is waif
TO ALL THE BOOKS THAT LIED BEFORE
Okay, full disclosure: I’m bitter.
I’m bitter for a number of reasons – bitter because the planet is dying and the rich white men in charge are doing nothing; bitter because avocados are now £1.20 in my local supermarket (£1.20 each, just ludicrous – I’m a millennial for goodness’ sake, give me my lifeblood); bitter because I left all the washing up until this evening and regret every life choice I’ve ever made; but most of all I’m bitter because every single book that I have ever read has been telling me gigantic, bold-faced lies in the form of unrealistic romance. I tell my best friend that I’m writing this essay and ask her about her thoughts on the matter. She tells me, “you did spend all your childhood and teen years with your head in a book, it’s not a surprise to me.”
And it isn’t just books (I just like the witty title). Films, TV shows, even songs, portray an incredibly unrealistic notion of what romance will be like, particularly in your teen years. I don’t think I’ve read a single book aimed at young adults where I haven’t read a sentence like this: ‘our lips touched and fireworks exploded in my stomach’, or ‘his hand brushed mine and I felt sparks’, or ‘kissing her was like coming up for air’.
"Wondering why a beautiful, sun- kissed man in a loose un- buttoned shirt whose touch sets you aflame and who seems to know your every thought on a deep, instinctive level hasn’t appeared at your villa in Italy yet? Me too.”
On top of these ridiculous sentiments are wholly unrealistic situations that the vast majority of teens nowadays will never experience. I’m talking kisses in the middle of the rain at a park at 3am in the middle of a fight where she’s screaming at him for something and he screams back something along the lines of ‘I punched that douchebag because I like you, okay?’ and she goes breathless and suddenly he pushes her up against a wall and kisses her so passionately she feels that she has found her home in his lips and that everything is right in the world and everything fades away into nothingness around her and his lips are all that matters and she suddenly forgets that he’s the unapproachable jock and she’s the nerdy girl pre-mid-film-makeover who still wears glasses.
Now, there’s a lot of harmful and negative tropes in situations like the one I made up above (which is based on about 90% of hetero romcoms), but no one really talks about how growing up with expectations of romance can become damaging. I write this as someone who has little experience with romance and sex in general, but I have support from those I know who do have experience that these tropes rarely, very rarely, occur in real life.
Many young people will have had their first kisses drunk, at a party, not knowing what to do with their tongues or hands; I can’t even remember my first kiss, it was so inconsequential. Most young people will not have magical first sexual experiences and wake up thoroughly satisfied on clean sheets with a beautiful person beside them. My first (and last, I might add, because it was so vile it put me off for years) sexual experience was with a boy I had just met at a party when I was 16 who said ‘wanna make out?’ and I replied ‘yeah, sure’. There was a lot of teeth involved; as he shoved his hand up my top I wondered what I might have for lunch the next day and whether I would be vomiting in the morning or not. As I gave him the grimiest hand-job in history, I remember thinking shit, is this what it’s all about?
I’d like to say that I am well aware that sex and anything surrounding it is rarely a fun activity initially, especially for girls. I know that it gets better. I am surrounded by friends having Good SexTM. (I’d also like to add that in that boy’s defense I was, and am, fairly gay.) But because of all the books and films and shows I devoured when I was younger, I still go on dates expecting the world to fall into place with this one person, for the kiss to mean everything, for my date to bring me flowers or turn up outside my window holding a boombox. I’m 21 – shouldn’t I know by now that in reality it doesn’t happen quite like that? And yes, I know: sometimes it do be like that. If that’s the case, great! I’m genuinely thrilled for you (and not at all jealous). The thing is, it’s often not.
I can list tens of examples to back up my hypothesis; I’ll list the first that come to mind. Dramatic declarations of love in an airport? Love Actually, Sleepless in Seattle. An instantly ardent hatred that simmers into sexual tension and ultimately ends in a happily-ever-after despite opposite personalities? 10 Thing I Hate About You, Bridget Jones’ Diary, Virtually Every Romance In Cassandra Clare’s Books, The Vampire Diaries. Borderline-stalkerish behaviour but it’s okay because the guy is cute and would kill for you? Twilight, 50 Shades of Grey (now this trope could not be less of a healthy idea to plant in young minds). Love at first sight blossoming over the course of one, hot, intense summer of passion? Call Me By Your Name is a prime candidate here, which incidentally is a fabulous example of an unattainable level of romance. Wondering why a beautiful, sun- kissed man in a loose un- buttoned shirt whose touch sets you aflame and who seems to know your every thought on a deep, instinctive level hasn’t appeared at your villa in Italy yet? Me too.
I’d like to add, then, that this isn’t an exclusively heterosexual trait. In fact, a lot of LGBT books have a habit of perpetrating these incredible romances too. First kisses are a great example of this. The protagonist has spent their early teen years kissing members of the opposite sex, but then someone comes along, shifts their perspective – they lean in, press their lips together. Ah, the protagonist thinks. I understand now. This is what kisses are meant to be. Everything makes sense. The scratch of stubble / the lack of stubble feels perfect. And again, hey, if you had this moment, then how fabulous for you. For me, and for my friends it was more of an oh, this is nice. Kissing girls is nice. Nice and soft. No sudden realisations of who you are in the world from this one kiss. It’s funny that LGBT books and movies and shows, which are often praised so strongly for being relatable to young LGBT people, fall victim to these same ideals as seen in hetero media. Simon VS The Homosapien Agenda, for example, praised upon its release for being a realistic portrayal, of some sorts, of what life as a gay teen is like. Love forged via anonymous emails? Sure, happens all the time. And of course the boy on the other end of those messages is the cute, quiet one you always fancied anyway. What a lucky coincidence!
I type into Google, ‘unrealistic romance movies’, and up pops an article from over a decade ago. The article describes a study conducted by Heriot Watt University where they asked hundreds of people to fill out a questionnaire on their expectations concerning relationships. They found that fans of rom coms failed to effectively communicate with partners, expecting their partners to know what they were thinking or what they needed without any communication involved. The researchers argued that common themes in rom coms such as the idea of ‘the one’, an oversimplified version of falling in love in a short time frame without effort, and unlikely happy endings were instilling a warped sense of romance perfection within society. So psychology agrees with me, then. These tropes really are harmful.
If you’re reading this and thinking, wow, she is bitter – you’re not wrong. I am. And I’m hoping that these expectations I hold are going to slowly fizzle out the more I grow up and face what sex and romance are really all about – love, fun, and good vibes. Romance and sex don’t have to be all fire and passion and stealing-of-breath. They can also be just really, really nice. And make you feel good and happy and satisfied and loved and in love. Something you want in your life.
And you know what? I’m really looking forward to it.