is waif
LOVE SO FULLY
i work with the parents of transgender and gender creative children. and the parents who have young trans kids, i’m talking ages 5-13, tell me that one of their biggest fears is that their child will not be loved. fear is a driving force for many parents who appear to be surface level unaccepting. it is fear of murder, fear of suicide, fear of sadness and neglect and general lacking in quality of life.
but most caregivers think about what love will be like for their child. they picture a person of the opposite binary gender and a wedding and grandkids and they run with a fantasy. and it’s not an inherently bad thing. it’s a fantasy of someone loving their kid romantically and intimately and maturely, purely and fully. people just need to know that image might change, and change is not bad if it means their child is happy. but when something about their kid makes them different, puts even a shadow of doubt for that fantasy in their head, it’s terrifying.
but what they don’t seem to realize is that not being loved is something we fear as well.
being loved in my (trans) life, in my (trans) body, is not something i ever thought would happen. in fact, it stems from feeling explicitly unloved because of my transness early on.
“the people who do like me,welltheylikemefor me and that’s what makes it important.”
my senior year of college, i told my then boyfriend that i knew i needed to start taking
HRT in order to be a happier person, in order to feel full and complete and whole as a person. and i remember every detail of that night. we were laying in bed together. and i remember how quiet he was. how slowly his mouth moved as he responded. how he said he didn’t know what that would mean for him. how i told him i needed air and got out of bed, pulled on some pants and walked outside. how i called a friend, how i wept. how i came home and got back to my bed and he was gone, he knew to leave. how soon after, we split up, but never named my transness as the reason.
i spent years prior to that never quite ready to ask for what i needed. never quite ready to admit that this was a need, and not a want or a desire or a choice. i would let myself be misgendered in order to receive external gratification, usually in the form of sex. i was a hot girl, and i worried i wouldn’t be a hot boy (i am, don’t worry). i wanted to continue to know, absolutely certainly, that people wanted to be with me. but more than that, i knew the violence that awaited a transman when he revealed his pussy or a transwoman when she revealed her dick. you read about it online, you see it in instagram stories. and at the time, i was not “passing,” so i thought there was no point in bringing it up anyway.
so i’d meet someone, we’d get to a bedroom, they’d call me a girl—directly or otherwise— and i wouldn’t correct them. i wouldn’t say a thing. in the past, i’ve said that i had trouble finding someone who would love me in all my trans glory— but the reality is that i wouldn’t let anyone in far enough to even know about it.
when i finally felt able and ready and started taking Testosterone, there was no more hiding my transness. my voice dropped. i started getting acne (ugh). my jaw line became a little more pronounced. there was suddenly so much hair. everywhere. my body shape straightened out, no more hourglass figure. waking up one morning to an adam’s apple was one of the weirdest days of my life. but with all these changes came the serious reality that i would not be able to hide anymore. and i worried even more now, how could anyone possibly love me in this body, in this life?
people commonly understand love to be broken into three phases: Lust, Attraction, and Attachment. and ALL of them involve hormones. that first stage, Lust, is ALL about testosterone and estrogen. it’s all about sex and libido and feeling hot hot hot. Attraction brings in dopamine and norepinephrine, which make us excited, energetic, elated, euphoric. and then, finally, we have Attachment. we get oxytocin and vasopressin, which are hormones that allow us to bond with other people. oxytocin is nicknamed the cuddle hormone (cute).
so if hormones are responsible for feeling love, and my hormones were completely and totally off balance, there’s no way anyone could love me!!
but as much as i looked to science to rationalize my fear, let’s be real, it was—
self hate and internalized transphobia!
i had to take a few steps back and think about who i knew i was and what it meant to me. confidence doesn’t just happen. it grows with time and, often, with active effort. at this point in my life, i am self-assured in my body and my emotions—most of the time (nobody’s perfect). i know who i am, even when others might not, and that confidence is a large part of what makes me sexy, or so i’ve been told... i know i’m not going to be for everyone, and i just have to remind myself it probably has nothing to do with my transness. not everyone is going to like the way i communicate, or the way i express myself, or my work or my hobbies or my general personality. that's okay. i’m not for everyone. the people who do like me, well they like me for me and that’s what makes it important.
but i thought so much about what love IS, that i started to forget how love FELT. i have a deep love for who i am now, and how it relates to who i’ve always been. they are both different and the same. but at the end of the day, i accept with open arms the love i am given for being myself, and the rest isn’t important. and i want other people to know that. in my (trans) life, in my (trans) body, i am loved deeply and fully, platonically and romantically, kindly and beautifully. my friends love me. my partner loves me. and lots of ex- lovers have cared for me deeply.
i decided to make a list of what it feels like for me to experience this love that was always a shadow of doubt, this love that i denied myself. i experience love so fully now, in so many parts of my life, and i want to share that with the world.
How It Feels To Love and Be Loved As Clark
• you respect my thoughts and opinions
• you touch me in public spaces
• we argue about small things
• and get to hug after
• you kiss me on the forehead
• and it’s somehow affirming
• you see my chest as if there are no scars
• but also think my scars are hot
• we can sit together and do absolutely nothing
little tiny touches here and there
you don’t say things like “before you were a man”
• when i cry, you know it’s serious
• because i am not a crier
• you know not to yell, ever
• we can be silly
• and laugh together
• you also find farts funny
• we discuss our triumphs and our failures
• you know when to give me room
and when to push me juuuuust enough
we try our hardest not to judge each others anxiety
• we give each other space to grow individually
• and together
• i know you never question my maleness
• even when i do