is waif
I WAS WAIFED
An experiential joke is something that we in the industry call a 'bit.' It mimics the form of real life, but it serves the purpose of a joke, to fool you – it’s extremely annoying. There’s nothing worse for a comedian than to be invited somewhere and have it be a bit, it’s my biggest nightmare and it happened at the WAIF magazine party. The feeling was very “Imagine all your middle school nightmares come true” and honey? They did.
About a week before the invite landed in my DMs, I was mourning the loss of a short term relationship, crying on the phone to my friends as if someone had died. So when I got the invite I told them “what do you think of this?” They said “sounds cute, maybe they are hitting on you” I was like “Yeah? I never know when I’m being hit on”. I used the DM to allow my ego to soar from the ashes of what had remained from this short lived lesbian love affair (I say lesbian so that you will feel MORE devastated) I thought about what I would wear, who I could meet, I thought of myself laughing and holding an Aperol spritz.
"I will not submit to this white nonsense! I will BARGE inside! I will be SEEN! I will be HEARD!"
I bought a new pair of pants and showed off my flat chest for the first time. I even contacted a friend so I wouldn’t be alone.
Upon arrival I saw a long line, I never make lines anymore so I thought “Of course, this wouldn’t be for ME I was personally DMd”. I went up to the front of the line and asked “Is this line for the list?” They said yes. I found my friend in the line, a friend I see at shows but someone I could latch on to energetically for support during this time. They were surrounded by cool white queers, so I went up to the group as if I knew them. “How long have you been waiting in line?” “Since 9”. Everyone was extremely upset and cold, shivering even. I looked around to see what the other people of color were doing. I saw some leave, I saw some go to the front of the line and make a fuss and I thought to myself “ah yesssss my people”.
Because I was fresh from a breakup with a white person I decided that on this night, the night of the WAIF magazine party, I would not submit to this white nonsense!
I will BARGE inside! I will be SEEN! I will be HEARD! So after about 30 or more minutes of waiting outside I demanded to be let in and took two people in with me. At the door I met WAIF #1 : Brigette Lundy Paine, dressed like Laurie Anderson, spiked hair and a form fitting suit, stilted speech like it was a performance.
I sat by an old TV playing The Parent Trap starring Lindsay Lohan (It was all Lindsay Lohan themed) and it was there that I experienced most of the night. I sat in my amazing outfit in pain, my 33 year old back pulsating while a crowd formed in front of me creating a wall of excitement. The people beside me stood on the couch and relayed what was happening from the sky looking down upon me. “It’s Lindsay Lohan” “She gave birth to an egg” “There’s three Lindsays” It was then that I met WAIF #2: Mina Walker with hearts on her face and a generally disheveled look embracing a ...beautiful model? I enjoyed their love. Perhaps it was the hearts on Mina’s cheeks, or because she reminded me of Charlotte Gainsbourg and a small man at once, but I let my guard down and told Mina that I was upset.
I was upset at being invited to be part of a big joke, wait in the cold, that my back hurt horribly. Mina listened thoughtfully and offered me and my friend a drink, and it was here that I claimed my Aperol Spritz. I drank it, seriously.
I stayed in this corner for the remainder of the evening and would not budge. Someone asked me “so, what do you do, how do you know everyone?” I said “I don’t, I was dmed and tricked into being here”. Luckily my timing is impeccable and I waited long enough for WAIF #1 to appear suddenly and offer me mushroom chocolates. I consider it a sign when mushrooms find YOU. I took that opportunity to speak my truth: “Hey, my back hurts a lot from waiting in line, that was kind of cruel”
“Yeah, I was concerned about that, mushroom chocolate?”
“Yeah, It really was, and yes please thank you”
I was surprised to be enjoying myself now that the joke was over. I found myself laughing, I was screaming to the Lindsay Lohans “NUMBER 3 IS THE REAL LINDSAY!”, I was making fun of a hot horny couple posing for pictures by the Parent Trap installation.
Finally everyone was being somewhat real, we even talked about death in my corner. Anyway, after a drag performance I decided to leave.
As I opened my door home tears pushed themselves out of my reddened face. I felt a devastating loneliness creep up on me and let myself drown in my own tears. I put on the Smurfs movie and the mushrooms started hitting and I cried more, but this time tears of JOY. The simplicity and wonder of smurf village overwhelmed me, in comparison to the night I had just experienced there were no lines, no bits, and just love.
From the digital joke to the reality of the evening I realized that WAIF helped me get out of my comfort zone, so much so that it wrecked me emotionally, perhaps pushing me deeper into my own criticism, deeper into my essence; a secret hater. I did, at the end of the day, make new friends, meet new people that appreciated my intensity, and got my Aperol spritz. A glimmer of erupting from a mountain of pain and discomfort. But it was in the discomfort, that WAIF helped me realize that life is uncomfortable and full of surprises and sometimes, the curiosity to wait it through is worthwhile and gets you some mushrooms.