is waif
HOW MUCH FUN DO GRANDMA'S ACTUALLY HAVE?
Realizing things sucks.
In the past four months I’ve begun to realize that TIME IS PASSING UNCONTROLLABLY AND LITERALLY EVERYTHING I KNOW, LOVE AND ENJOY IS ALREADY DETERMINED TO BE GONE AND OVER. This realization, as you can imagine, is a very uncomfortable thing to live with. I’m pretty sure this has a lot to do with growing. I have grown so much in the last two years that I can’t even begin to comprehend how much I’ve changed. I have also realized that by growing I’m getting closer to the BIG MILESTONES of my life, although “getting closer” isn’t an accurate expression. I feel like I’m being pushed against my milestones, like the past is pressing onto my back and my face is crushed against the things for which I’ve been waiting my whole life. But I’m not ready to welcome them, because they signalize all of the time I’ve lost without realizing I should appreciate it.
I feel like I’m disappointing my younger self, who thought that at eighteen I would be in a relationship, know exactly what I want to be doing with all the future ahead of me, drive a car, drink wine, and talk to adults and boys without blushing and stuttering.
"I accept that I am a grandma. I like going to bed early, I enjoy cooking and keeping my surroundings clean, and I don’t contribute to the discussions about “The Top 10 Sex Positions” held in my classroom. But I also like to have fun."
Instead, I am a late bloomer with little partying experience who likes to stay in and isn’t allowed to get a driver’s license. I accept that I am a grandma. I like going to bed early, I enjoy cooking and keeping my surroundings clean, and I don’t contribute to the discussions about “The Top 10 Sex Positions” held in my classroom. But I also like to have fun. And sometimes I just can’t avoid asking myself how much fun do grandmas actually have?
There is at least one situation every day that makes me realize that I will eventually have to say goodbye. This realization leaves me kind of numb inside. Like, I can’t be sad because I still see my sisters every day, I still cook dinner with my mother, I still swim in the lake with my friends and I still have the whole summer ahead of me. But I know it’s not for long, which obviously makes it very hard to be present. I’ve been a kid my whole life. I was annoyed with my sisters, summer holidays, and my grandma my whole life. And for a long time, I didn't know how to appreciate these things without being sad.
If you've been paying attention and not just scrolling through this essay to get to a more entertaining part of this magazine, you might have noticed one thing about me: I overthink life a lot. I didn't admit this for a while because of all the cringe-worthy quotes about overthinking I've stumbled upon during my time on the internet. Where other people see a simple situation, I see a hundred issues. Where other people just have fun, I think about how to, why, for how long, and if I should have fun.
While writing this essay, I had one of the best experiences of my summer. I went to a music festival with my friends, which I haven't done before. I never truly had the teenage experience of going there with people my age and having real fun, without parents, family friends, or siblings. And it was good. It made realize why people want to do all the things I usually frown upon, like camping, sweating, drinking, shouting and such -- because it's fun. But the reason I'm including this in here is that while I was there, I didn't think about the fact that I’m living a memory, and I didn’t contemplate about how I’m going to feel about it in the future. I just enjoyed the moment and if a Deep Depressing Philosophical ThoughtTM popped up in my head, I let it go.
This small success made me realize I could actually turn this emotional but not really useful piece of writing into a short guide for people, well, like me. Because I am almost sure I'm not the only one who has these feelings. So here are a few tips from a professional on how to enjoy things that are temporary:
Understand that time is made up. Like literally, someone just started counting and now it's 2019. Of course, seasons change in nature and babies grow and all, but if you didn’t have a clock, not all five minutes would feel like five minutes.
Don't listen to your brain (all the time). I used to think that focusing on my thoughts made me a smart person. In certain conditions, wandering away and coming up with theories is great, but if you are trying to be present, it's not smart at all. If you're having trouble ignoring it, try copying the environment with your inner voice. At a concert sing the melody in your head, in the train imitate the sound of the rails etc. And most importantly, remember why you want to be present and give yourself a push to be.
Being present makes me feel whole. It seems as if all of the contrasting aspects of my personality can exist at the same time. Freeing myself from the conceptualization of my life means I don't need to define myself all the time anymore, I just have to be. Not thinking about the different things I like and enjoy but simply liking and enjoying them has made the differences between them less frustrating. I still realize summer is going to end one day, and so is high school, childhood, youth and eventually life. I still feel like crying when I'm hugging my grandma sometimes. It still makes me sad sometimes. But now I know that by trying to be explain to myself what I’m feeling and why, by observing all of the emotions, I won’t stop feeling sad. I will just be more confused.
So now, instead of getting all emotional and philosophical, I realize summer isn’t over yet, and neither is high school, childhood, youth or life.