is waif
FLAT EARTH, ROUND BOODY
Have you ever...?
The girl sitting across me reaches out to the bottle, ready to spin. “I need a beer,” I hear myself saying...
Yes. I did have had sex with more guys than you can count on 10 or even 20 fingers. And yes, one of them was your boyfriend, and yes I fucked the other one in your parents’ bed at the last party when everyone was too wasted to realise.
Instead of another beer I grab my jacket and leave the party in the cold and dark night. Where should I even go? I told my mom I was sleeping over at a friends place, while she was officially sleeping over at mine. Forward I walked, step by step making my way through this crystal clear night. Over me, the stars are hanging there, shining like one of those cheesy Christmas
decorations people put all over their front yards. How could people actually believe that the earth was a disc and stars and planets were just put up and down like a theatre play? That must be such a weird state of going through life with such a view.
"Obviously there are other galaxies and solar systems and maybe even aliens. What if I would see one now? I would be fucking scared. I'd probably choke on my Milky Way chocolate bar."
I realise how hungry I am, all this beer in my stomach is swirling around, with no land or essence to hold onto. I see the lights of a gas station on the next corner. Perfect, how lucky! Did I just manifest this into my reality? I enter. It beeps and the guy behind the counter opens his eyes and looks at me. He seems to have taken a quick nap, mustn’t be many people entering this station at night. It’s so far way from all the buzzing nightlife. I don’t really know what I’m craving, but the boy on the package of the Milky Way Bar catches my attention - he looks so cute and friendly! And his teeth are just as white as the milk in between the
delicious chocolate layers. 100% fresh milk. With added Calcium and honey for strong muscles and your health. That sounds promising. And the 5 pack is on a weekly special: 5 now for the price of 5! How can anyone resist that. I go to the counter and get my wallet. Good that I can go into debt with my card.
I don't even care, but oh well, as long as I can tap, the world keeps spinning. Which brings me back to my previous thought. How could have been people so brainwashed by the church not to realise the earth is round and turning? Obviously there are other galaxies and solar systems and maybe even aliens. What if I would see one now? I would be fucking scared. I'd probably choke on my Milky Way chocolate bar.
Instead it makes its way down to the lost beer ocean in my stomach. I feel it settling, offering some land. What must have Columbus thought when he reached the American continent and was so excited for curry but all he found was potatoes and coconuts? Thats like when you book your hotel and you’re so excited to finally relax but then it’s right at a highway and construction is going on all around you. How do these fuckers even get all their 5 star ratings? Probably the reviews are all paid for. I wish I was a computer nerd, who knew how to program and hack all kinds of systems. I’d get myself a million instagram followers and would be paid for going to parties with all kinds of cool people and drinking beer. No, maybe even Champagne and having a private driver, maybe in a limousine and not be walking home in the dark, not eating Milky Ways, but caviar out of golden glasses. Tomorrow I’ll start a coding class, just like I’ll start going to the gym again. And maybe quit drinking. Well, maybe not, my future champagne sounds too tempting! I wonder how these influencers manage to look so good and healthy with all these parties, drinks and fasts? Would I need to work out nonstop? I could learn to photoshop and put some six-packs on that belly. And even better: a size D cup.
What else? Photoshop suddenly seems like a magic toolbox with unlimited opportunities! A friend actually told me he had the cracked Adobe suite and could install it on my computer. Everyone needs an IT specialist in the friends group. And a lawyer. Maybe I should become a lawyer instead of a computer nerd or influencer to save my ass from everything I do? Fuck that, all law students I know are the most sneaky people ever and cut out pages in library books or hide them for their advantage. That explains why some people are in prison and others are not.
Enough thinking now. I have to figure my way out how to get home from here. Or do I even want to go home? My mom would never let me out again if she saw me now. I take out my phone to open my maps and consider my options. Uh a new Tinder match. Maybe that could be the solution for the night? I click on the app with the white flame on red background. Even
though too many times the dates were kind of disappointing, I cant stop swiping. Most the guys were much older than their profile revealed, or just looked not as cute as on the pics. My new match: Kevin, 24 years old looking for his dream girl. So probably; Kevin, 30 years old, wants to have sex. Why else would you swipe at 3 o'clock at night? I cant even remember liking his profile. At some point it just becomes that constant movement of the finger swiping on the screen. Faces after faces, each of them maybe a lost opportunity for love. I decide I don't want sex with Kevin tonight and open my maps instead. My house shows up in 15 minutes walking distance and the thought of my cosy bed is so tempting, that I'm starting my steps towards this direction. On the way, I let my finger swipe with effortless ease on the screen of my phone: Philipp, Lucas, Justin, Lorenzo, appearing and disappearing in the darkness of the algorithm with no return.
I realise its a dark night. Where is the moon? What if no one has actually ever been on the moon? What if all these pics came straight out of Hollywood? When I'm a famous influencer in Hollywood, I'll find out eventually.
I am standing at the entrance door of my home. Lights are off. My fingers are making their way in the pocket, through five empty plastic chocolate packages, reaching for the keys. I just can't be caught. That would mean no more parties, no more beer, no more fucks. I put the keys in the lock. Well, if god exists, only he knows the end of this story. Or you can just make it up. Have you ever made up a story? Well, I'm leaving, I need a beer.