is waif
A CLEARER LENS THROUGH MIRROR WORK
When I first moved to Brooklyn I only had enough money to buy the essentials. Unfortunately a full-length mirror was not a part of that. So I checked myself out from various different angles. My bathroom mirror for moments alone, my gold mirror for make-up . The duct-taped mirrors that an old roommate left up portrayed my upper body if I tip-toed! Hand-held mirrors on the go. Rarely would I try to alter the angles to get a closer or complete look at myself. I saw me in only portions. That kind of dysmorphia is weird, but it wasn’t crippling. I didn’t hate myself or my body even as it changed and as i changed. I just didn’t see myself clearly. I got comfortable seeing what I wanted and only that. So when I did attempt to really see myself, I simply couldn’t.
The crippling part was my lack of self-awareness; not being able to vouch for who I was as a human being. I could be capable of anything: good and bad. Spending less time with the truths in my mirror, my shadow side became conscious. At first, it was a harsh-ass view followed by abusive phrasing like “why am I like this?” and made me not like the woman in the mirror. I couldn’t bet on me and in laymen terms felt like a piece of shit.
Honesty for me desperately needed a sharp lens. It started with me taking social media hiatus’, meditating and re-committing to my spiritual practices. I struggle ( and still struggle) with being aware of my own delusion and deceit, So imagine trying to begin to articulate my truths- yikes! . I easily got stuck on stupid and negated from truly “tapping in”.
Sometimes the truth is a bit intimidating to say aloud, but my goal is to really focus and look at myself in totality and complete honesty. The most transformative ritual I’ve picked up is mirror work, which is essentially making an affirmation, reinforcing positive statements to yourself, in front of yourself.
Today I look at the woman I wish to know better. I want to bet on her, so my starter affirmation today looks like a Megan thee Stallion lyric from her popular song “Savage”. I wake up and anytime I see myself I say ”I’M THAT BITCh. BEEN THAT BItch. still that bitch. AND WILL FOREVER BE THAT BITCH.” I say it in her deep southern accent and it always makes me feel silly, but I cannot deny myself of hearing it.
We often refrain from affirming the best parts of ourselves. As Oroma Elewas once told herself, “I am the subject I know best. The subject I want to know better.”
I desire to see myself clearly for who I am but it doesn’t have to be self- deprecating. As I grow I want to reflect my highest form, holding compassion and honesty in the safest space for me.