is waif
DON'T SURPRISE ANYONE WITH YOUR FASHION CHOICES
We love a makeover trope; the scene in a movie where the Stylish Friend drags the Nerd Friend to the local mall (because who has time to fly to the international mall? It’s in another damn country!), takes them from shop to shop trying on outfit after outfit. Oh the laughs we have at the nerd trying on mascara for the first time! When the Nerd asks, “What’s a Spanx?” Oh how we guffaw! Who doesn’t love seeing a total dork fall on their ass the first time they wear high heels?
And then, the big reveal: the nerd is STYLISH NOW. And thus... HOT NOW. The loser is now the belle of the ball. When they arrive at the high school dance, all eyes are on them. Their crush comes knocking at their door, eager to date them now. The dream is a reality...
Until the nerd starts talking. And the crush realizes, “Oh right, she’s still a nerd. What am I gonna talk to her about? Tori Amos albums, or Neil Gaiman stories? I’m a jock, my dad owns a yacht leasing company, we are from entirely different worlds. Plus high school is ending soon anyway, college is approaching, and we’re both likely to go through major changes and lose interest in each other.
“I long for the simpler days when I could roll onto the subway in a pro wrestling tee shirt and jeans that don’t fit and completely blend in. No one wanted me in their life, but they also didn’t want to fight me.”
Yeah, the more I think about it, this relationship is purely based on a fleeting sexual attraction, a thing I am beginning to realize is not enough to form a meaningful relationship. I’m just gonna try and hook up with Jessica Peterson again. We don’t love each other, we’ve been on and off all of senior year, but we have an understanding and at least care about each other on some level. Wow, this was some mature decision- making on my part! I’m proud of myself. Coach would be proud too. Wherever he is.” And then the Jock looks up to heaven, hoping that’s where Coach is (Coach died in a mysterious boating accident the weekend of the big game.)
Anyone can get a fashion makeover and make a short- term big impression. But a personality makeover takes years of therapy and/or life experience. And there is nothing more disappointing than getting a taste of what you want, only to have the door shut entirely; to be seated at the table of your dreams and take a sip of the complimentary sparkling water, only for the host to arrive and say “I’m so sorry, I made a mistake and sat you at the wrong table. You’re over here by toilets and sewage pipes. Where you belong.” Which leads me to the point I’d like to make here:
DON’T SURPRISE ANYONE WITH YOUR FASHION CHOICES.
I get it. A makeover seems exciting and appealing, an easy way to say, “This is me now! That dork you remember from last year? They died, and I carved out a hole in their body and put my soul in it. That is how reincarnation works I think.” I’m slightly older now (almost 30, and thus WISE BEYOND YOUR YEARS, DEAR READER), and have tried many times to change everything about myself, starting with Madewell clothes (I got really into Vampire Weekend for a month in May).
As the famous saying goes: “Wherever you go, there you are”. I’d like to amend that to “Whatever you wear, you’re still wearing it.” You can wear a leather jacket and a Ramones shirt to a punk rock show, but if someone asks you, “Have you heard the new Zero Boys album?” or, “Do you think Green Day sucks?” do you have the right answers to those questions (the correct answers are “Yeah it’s good,” and, "I don’t know, that’s a loaded question”)? You can put on a basketball jersey, but does that make you good at basketball? Or even someone who knows the names of basketball players?
HELL NAW! In your attempt to surprise others, you’ve just opened yourself up for a line of questioning you don’t have answers to.
Why use clothing as an opportunity to disappoint when you could use it as a chance to honestly market yourself? If you’re a guy who knows a lot about Steely Dan, don’t wear a New Kids On The Block shirt to a block party! Wear a Steely Dan shirt, so I can quickly identify the person I’m most likely to small talk with the longest before leaving because I don’t want to be there but I have to be there for at least a half hour.
As someone who recently got hotter (thank you so much! Venmo me at @john- townsend-2), I can tell you this: a hotter version of you is still you. Due to some lifestyle changes and a ClassPass membership (which I’ve yet to actually use, but just the thought of being able to attend a yoga class helped me lose five pounds, and that’s a scientific fact I actually have data to back up), I’ve lost about thirty pounds since April. This slimming down has led to more people looking at me, specifically women, which are the type of people I enjoy kissing and have been trying to get to fall in love with me (it happened once (kinda)!).
Were I a confident man, I could probably parlay this attention into what the great philosopher Plato called “sex” (others have also called it “sex”, but saying Plato coined the term makes me feel smarter).
But I am not a confident man, and so when a beautiful lady looks at me on the subway, my first thought is, “Was a pregnant woman sitting here? Am I on the wrong train? Did I do something wrong?” Only much later, when the moment has long since passed, has it occurred to me, “Oh she was probably attracted to me.” Or she wasn’t! That’s another wild concept to grapple with. And these are the horrible ramifications of my stupid decision to take better care of myself and eliminate habits that cause harm and sadness from my life: a more complicated life in which people like me. I long for the simpler days when I could roll onto the subway in a pro wrestling tee shirt and jeans that don’t fit and completely blend in. No one wanted me in their life, but they also didn’t want to fight me. I was in a perfect middle ground and I didn’t realize how nice I had it.
I’d like to finish by talking about the band KISS. And I’d like to hope that it will tie into my point here, but it might not! And that’s just a risk this writer has chosen to take. What can I say, I’m a baller/shot caller.
The band KISS came to prominence in the 70s, and boy did they come... to prominence that is ;) (you can’t talk about KISS without making a gross double entendre, Gene Simmons would be mad if I didn’t). When KISS hit the stage, everyone took notice. At a time when most rock bands wore generic rock dude clothes, the members of KISS hit the stage wearing platform boots, silver spandex suits, and black and white makeup that also denoted who the band members ‘characters’ were (for those who aren’t versed in the lore, there was a Spaceman (cool!), a Demon (yikes!), a Cat (cute!), and a Starchild (yeah you know, a Starchild, the concept we’ve all heard of before)).
The gimmick worked. With their wild fashion choices, the up and coming KISS could take the stage on a show where no one knew who they were or gave a damn about them and command
everyone’s attention. Even if you weren’t in the mood to watch a show, you couldn’t help but wonder, “What are these guys gonna sound like?” And then they played their mediocre songs and most people thought “eh, they’re all right I guess”, and went back to what they were talking about. And there KISS was: Back to being a band no one gave a damn about. But for a minute there, they had everyone’s attention. Was it better to have had the crowd’s interest, even if only for a minute? Or was it worse to taste the meal they had longed for, just for reality to yank the plate from their hands?
The next time you think about making a very daring fashion choice, ask yourself: do I want to be KISS? Do I want to grab everyone’s attention with my fashion choices when I arrive at a party? And then almost immediately lose everyone’s attention when I start talking? Or do I want to be Pedro the Lion?
If you’re thinking, “Who the hell are Pedro the Lion?” Congrats! You are an emotionally stable person who probably had a very healthy upbringing! But if you are instead thinking, “I wonder if this guy also likes American Football,” please direct message me and become my best friend/ kissing partner. Pedro the Lion were a 90’s emo band, and the complete opposite of KISS. Whereas the members of KISS definitely looked like they could only be in a band (not many plumbers or HR reps are allowed to show up to work in face paint), Pedro the Lion were
indistinguishable from their audience. They also wore flannel and graphic tees, and just like their fans they were also sad and anti-social and watched way too many cartoons growing up.
Pedro the Lion are way less popular than KISS, but the people who do know Pedro the Lion LOVE Pedro the Lion. They didn’t gain people’s attention with fireworks and makeup. They did it with heartfelt lyrics and honest emotion. They might have gotten fewer window shoppers than KISS, but the customers that did stop into the Pedro the Lion store stayed way longer than the curious KISS passerbys and became loyal customers long after the KISS Shoppers got their quick fix.
Fashion is a great way to catch people’s eye, but not everyone who’s looking is someone you want to connect with. When you dress to impress, you really just dress to depress (yourself) (look for this throw pillow coming soon to my Etsy store). I can’t tell you the number of times I have been forced into a conversation with someone I have nothing in common with, all because I made the stupid decision to wear a Britney Spears shirt I got at TARGET (it’s cute and comfortable, but when I put it on I have ask myself, “Am I emotionally ready to talk to 30 strangers about Britney Spears today?”).
When I wear a nondescript Hedwig and the Angry Inch shirt however, I rarely have to field comments from strangers. If they ask what’s the deal with my shirt, I can just say ‘it’s a band’ and they usually never have a follow-up. But when someone who really loves Hedwig sees it, we can really launch into it. I have made many new friends this way, and been ignored by millions as well. Each time, everybody won.
By sticking with predictable fashion choices, I am able to easily manage both the type (good ones) and quantity (reasonable amount) of new people entering my life. Niche and predictable t-shirts ensure that the new people approaching me are more than likely someone I already have a lot in common with. It’s a smaller turn out to the John Townsend Party, but the crowd that did show up wants to be there and wants to stay. And I dare you to say the same about
any Fashion Magazine party.